Am I included? Sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. There are varieties of unique traits that I carry both inside and out that make me who I am. They determine many aspects of my life. Some put me in a powerful position, some oppress me. Sometimes there are intersections of characteristics. I can label myself as marked or unmarked in thousands of different categories. But even though in some areas I am marked, that does not necessarily hold me back or oppress me, it can make me work harder and make me stick out in unique ways compared to others. While in areas where I am unmarked may hold me back. This is not always true though. Being marked or unmarked can have both positive and negative impacts on my life.

My lens, created in part by the matrix of domination, is unique to me, but has many similarities to others, with privileges and disadvantages. My position in the matrix of domination influences how I perceive the world and how I treat others. At only 19 years old, my lens has already changed over my own lifetime and will likely change even more significantly over the next several decades as I am able to experience more and as history flows. During a typical week, I regularly see and feel interconnectedness of my marked and unmarked categories, how my position/identity interacts with others locally and globally, and how my experience relates to history in general.

As a caveat, before categorizing myself into binaries in this matrix, generally, I think of my experiences and identity, particularly in terms of categories, as circular and fluid. Rather than considering many categories as either X or Y, sometimes I think that maybe I am sometimes X and sometimes Y, or maybe somewhere in between or even possibly slightly above and below, or perhaps both at the same time. In other words, sometimes, I think of these categories NOT in a binary sense (an either/or sense). And I think of these categories as changing across time. Additionally, I think that sometimes other’s perceptions of my degree of X and Y differ from my internal perceptions, based upon the others identity and experiences. I also believe that my analysis of my marked/unmarked categories is also relative, or in other words, is defined by the historical or social context in which it appears relative to others. Finally, I think there is something to be said about ‘passing’ as marked or unmarked from a personal perspective, in that it can alter internal and external categorization as well as my experience in relation to power.

That being said, if forced to choose a categorical answer to the dimensions of difference, at this moment, I most closely identify according to the matrix in the following categories:

Gender: Woman, marked

Race: White, unmarked

Geographic Location: USA/MD, unmarked

Able Bodiedness: Able Bodied, unmarked

Nationality: U.S. Citizen, unmarked

Age: Young Adult, unmarked

Language: English, unmarked

Class: Working, marked

Religion: ?, marked

Sexuality: Heterosexual, unmarked, though I am constantly surrounded by people that have a different sexuality than I do, does that still mean I am marked in the environment that I live in?

As I go through a typical week, I spend a lot of time at school. First, just being at University of Maryland makes me extremely privileged from a global perspective. Most of the world’s population doesn’t have the chance to spend so many years in formal learning. As Americans, we are privileged in having at least the opportunity, although the degree of access varies within our country. To be in the United States, as a citizen, I can find my way to education. I am also privileged in this sense because 100 years ago it was extremely rare for women of my economic class to receive any type of education at this age. In some areas of education, being a woman helps me and gives me an advantage over men. If I were to apply to engineering school and I had the exact same qualifications as a man, I would probably get accepted because there is a lack of female engineers. Though this applies to college, it may not always apply once I am searching for a job. Thus, in a global or historical perspective being a student at UMD is unusual; yet from my egocentric perspective, it is not unusual.

With my great fortune to be attending university in the United States, I am in a “safe space” in terms of the matrix of domination. At a U.S. state university, there is an artificial safety for most categories: marked categories are less marked on campus. U.S. universities pride themselves for being places of acceptance, almost revering individuals who are otherwise marked. Entire courses are based upon marked categories, and admired professors build entire careers based upon marked categories. Clubs and activities abound expressing pride for marked categories. The university as a whole implements policy promoting the inclusion and contributions of people from marked categories. For example, every student at the University of Maryland class is required to take a Diversity core credit, which in some cases can help bridge the gaps between marked in unmarked students on campus in a variety of ways. Though occasionally there are instances on campus where unmarked students and marked students start trouble with one another, such as the hanging of the noose outside of Nuremberg. But since Maryland is a diverse campus that has strict rules and authorities to implement it no other disputes took place and students could gain their feeling of safety back. This all makes for a safe space, one which is not a microcosm of the world, our country or our community.

Within this safe place of U.S. public university, I must confess that I feel privileged and almost feel as if I’ve used that position to my advantage. For instance, my university application essay was about being raised in an openly lesbian, bi-racial household. In any other context, other than U.S. public university, that would not be an advantage. But I calculated that it would be an advantage, and I used it on my application in such a way that likely disempowered most white males who were raised in heterosexual single race homes. Though if I had wanted to attend a religious school, a university in another country, or even some non-religious wealthy schools, I would have had to keep that part of my life not only out of my entrance essay, but also out of the eyes and ears of fellow students on campus. Who knows, maybe such disclosure at the University of Maryland gives me power in my women’s studies courses as well. I might be giving myself an advantage by outing myself in a marked category by simply writing this paper. I am regularly aware that such categories which disempower me outside of campus can be used to empower me on campus.

Another example of such reverse empowerment for a marked category on campus is my math ability. As a typical All-American looking white female, I am not expected to be good at math. But I am. So, I think that interesting incongruity challenges people assumptions, and makes me unique. When someone meets me, a blue-eyed female, they are often surprised to find out that my easiest subject is math. As I jumped ahead 3 grades in junior and senior high in math, I’m sure that I challenged many assumptions. It was always me along with several of my friends who were Asian who were the math stars. Similarly, when applying to university, I chose to apply to math-based majors, mainly because I thought it would give me an advantage, as a white female. Since I can be considered as marked in this category I may have had an advantage since colleges sometimes push for students who are not the majority in certain departments.

The rest of the world isn’t such a safe place for marked categories. For example, during the week, when my half brother calls, I’m reminded of a place where I’m odd. My brother lives in Indiana Pennsylvania, a rural coal mining town, where my extended family lives. He attends a Presbyterian school and lives a rural life. As a female without a named religion, going to college, and all of my other characteristics, I seem odd to him and his mother. No one on that side of my family has attended college with the exception of my father and no women has ever completed high school. In their eyes I should be married and having children by now. Even though I am marked in this was when I am around them I still feel as if they admire me and are envious that I am able to do more with my life than they were able to, even though they don’t show it. The most prominent category I feel marked in when I visit him and his family or he visits mine if the fact that my mother is a lesbian. His mother and our father raised him such that he was not around any gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender people. He also attends a church that openly disagrees with the entire subject. When I was younger and I went to visit I was frequently asked alarming questions about having a gay mom, or even questions about my mom’s black partner. Not only was I living with a gay mother, but I was living with a black woman as well. To them this was unheard of, not even heterosexual interracial marriages took place. Those were the moments that being marked impacted me the most. I am marked in many ways when I interact with them or go to the town. Suddenly, I go from feeling like the privileged on campus to feeling as if I’m marked when I go to Indiana. Even though I was different, and everyone made sure I knew it, I never doubted my mother or had any harsh feelings about her sexual orientation. I guess that’s an advantage of being brought up in a strong house of women that are always the marked category no matter where they go, you learn to never let other people make you feel shameful because of the marks that you carry with you.

On the other end when I am with my mother and around her side of the family and her friends, I am still somewhat marked. The majority of the people I have lived with have been gay/lesbian, while I have always been straight. I have been to gay pride parades, gay pride dances, even the season premier of The L Word, and in all of these places I have most definitely been the marked category. This seems to be one of the rare parts of my life where I am both marked in some cases and unmarked in others.

Each day through my week I am reminded of my fortunate power by having access to birth control. By having access to a simple pill, I am able to determine my destiny. I hear stories from my female ancestors about risking being arrested for trying to access that same right, and I realize that such a short time ago I wouldn’t have any power to decide when to have children. Thus far, I’ve made it to the oldest of my mother, grandmother, or great grandmother before having children. Some women in my family had several children by my age. But I also know that with this time in history, if I want children, the need for education and career can stifle motherhood dreams. It seems during this day in age, motherhood must be planned to occur within a small time period, not too soon, not too late. And it requires a plan. Regarding birth control, and reproductive health knowledge and care for that matter, I am among the most privileged on earth. Sometimes, this privilege makes me look down upon others, such as friends who chose to have babies instead of go to college. Even though I am privileged to have such a pill and it is now a very open and widely spread form of birth control there are still some places in my life where I have to hide it. When I am around my religious father and step family I have to hide my birth control and take it when no one is around. Their religious values are strictly against any forms of birth control. It’s a hard thing to have to hide something I see as such a privilege.

In the US, for the most part, I am unmarked regarding language. Unfortunately, I only speak English, and a little Spanish. During the course of my week, I see many people who do not speak English, and they are clearly marked. Arabic speaking or Spanish speaking people are marked and often treated as if they are either terrorists or illegal immigrants. I will admit that I am occasionally guilty of this. For example when I see the yard workers coming to mow the lawn and trim the bushes I tend to lock my door and close my curtains. It’s not only because they are another race but also because they are male and I don’t want them to be able to see where I am in my house or what I’m doing. At this time in history, the people in the US with Arabic and Spanish language are very negatively marked. Even though people who speak foreign languages are marked, they are constantly given the upper hand in the workforce. Employers are constantly looking for bilingual employees.

While I do not really think I am marked for not being a religious person, I guess I technically am because I am not Protestant. I don’t really have one set religion. I do believe in God but I have never been able to categorize myself. Though it doesn’t affect me now, at times in my life I have been. When I used to visit my father and step family I was always the one looked down upon because they were all Presbyterians who attended church regularly. I was forced to go o church with them when I was there and the members of the church would always try to get me to stay after the service to talk about my faith or come to Bible study the following night. Other than those few instances religion has never played an important part in my life. It has never pushed me forward or held me back. Unlike my circumstances, in some periods of time or in some countries, that might mark some people. My mother works with asylees, some based on religious persecution, which seems to be the epitome of marking. Asylees are often tortured for being marked. Maybe in today’s state of affairs, Muslims are marked in our country.

Almost daily, I am reminded in some way of the privilege of becoming middle class. It seems that almost everyone in the DC/Maryland area is middle class, but I came from Buffalo New York, where many people were lower class, including me. While my mother attended graduate school and law school, we were pretty poor. For example, I accepted free lunches at school. However, since most of the kids were poor and getting free lunches too, I wasn’t necessarily marked in my local community. Even though my social class has changed throughout my lifetime, the environment I lived in was always the same as I was.

During the course of a week, I encounter many people with disabilities. For example, I live near a man who does not have legs. His wheelchair and absent limbs marks him drastically. I often think that his perspective of being marked must give him a very different experience than my experience. This is probably the most noticeable and hardest to live with marked category there is. I take advantage of the fact that I am able bodied, it rarely even crosses my mind. I have no physical, mental or learning disabilities and all of this affects my life in a positive way because things seem to be easy for me compared to the marked individuals in this category.

At my arts school in Buffalo, I was the minority racially. Buffalo Academy for Visual and Performing Arts (BAVPA) was a primarily black school. 70% of the student body was black. It was a complete 180 for me to go from being the unmarked category in a prominently white school to the marked category in a black school. The biggest difference was the rules. For example at BAVPA we were not allowed to wear hoodies, winter coats, hats or any baggy clothing inside the school because there were several instances where students brought drugs and weapons into the school. Everyone was also required to wear ID at all times. Consequences were strict if you did not follow these rules. It was a big culture shock for me. At my previous schools I had a lot of friends and always felt as if I fit in, but at BAVPA I knew I didn’t fit in and I wasn’t like the majority of the other students.

Intersections of these categories are of importance in exploring and changing domination and oppression. We must simultaneously notice/address/explore oppression and fight/resist oppression. All of these unique categories interacting with each other are some of the many ways that make me who I am today. Places where I am marked and unmarked changes daily because of my lifestyle and family. When I am at my fathers my characteristics that are typically unmarked are now marked and vise versa. My lens will constantly change as I grow and place myself in new environments.